Unplanned Blessings and Unexpected Sacrifices
by morecolorfulmoniker
Summary: CS fic prompt from on-coming-storm on Tumblr: Emma is secretly trying for a baby, but every time she attempts it the results are negative. Killian walks in on her crying after her most recent test.


How hard could it be? When she got pregnant with Henry, it had been the last possible thing she could have considered…under the worst circumstances. Maybe that's what her life was meant to always be…unplanned blessings and unexpected sacrifices.

She'd started trying…God, was it 3 months ago already? Her birth control prescription had run out, and as she was driving to the pharmacy to pick up the next month's supply, she'd taken a sudden U-turn and found herself driving in the opposite direction, back to her apartment. She'd always heard that a woman just knows when the time is right to try for a child…whether it's her first or her 15th – not that she would ever want _that_ many kids – but she couldn't quite pinpoint exactly what had changed in her life that made her want to have another child. And then she had walked in to her living room and saw exactly what had changed.

Her husband – she still got butterflies when she saw the simple gold band on his ring finger - snored softly on the couch while her son lay sprawled out, sleeping just as soundly, in the recliner, long legs hanging over the sides, while a football game played on the flat screen. She had stood and watched them for so long that a Saturday afternoon had quickly turned to Saturday night and an entirely new football game had started before she realized what she was seeing.

Her life was – dare she even think it without some cloud of purple smoke appearing out of nowhere – normal. She was married…and as if giving that much of herself to another person wasn't incredible enough, she was married to a man who had been nothing more than the villain in her favorite fairy tale growing up. But he had proven himself to be so much more. A hero. A man of honor. Her true love. Watching him sleep that night, a soft smile on a face that had only known pain for so long, and seeing Henry, the other true love of her life, right next to him…it was a life she had almost lost hope in finding and that had become so much more than she ever could have imagined. So why not make room in her heart for another true love? The thought of becoming a mother again terrified her, but it thrilled her more. She had missed 10 years of Henry's life...10 years that she thought about every day…but when he had found her again, she immediately understood what it felt like to be a mother. She'd had no idea what the hell she was doing, but she knew that they belonged together. And she had protected him in the best way she knew how. And that was what being a parent was, she had come to realize…loving your child in your own way.

And she knew that Killian would be a wonderful father. If the way that he had fought so hard to find and rescue Henry in Neverland or the way he'd embraced her son as his own (and how Henry had come to love him as a second father) was any indication of his paternal instincts, Emma knew that the love he would have for a child…for their child…would surmount even what she could dream up.

But she hadn't told him. It wasn't like he'd known that she was on birth control in the first place. She'd been taking it since after she had Henry, so it wasn't really something she'd ever thought about. And although they hadn't talked about kids yet, she had always imagined him wanting to be a father. But still, something insider her kept her from telling him.

So here she sat in her bedroom in the dark, holding the most recent of a countless number of pregnancy tests that she had taken in the last few months, already knowing what the result was going to be before the answer had even appeared. Not Pregnant. She could already feel the back of her throat burning as fresh tears traced their way down her cheeks. It was the same every time, no matter what she tried. But somehow, she'd had hope that this time would be different. She'd read somewhere online that the stress of trying to conceive a child can actually prevent a woman from getting pregnant, so she stopped for a couple of weeks…tried not to focus all of her energy on it. And one night, Killian had surprised her with a candlelit dinner, chocolate covered strawberries, and a can of whipped cream that had found its way to the bedroom – making for a fun night and a sticky morning – and she had allowed herself to give in and to enjoy it without thoughts of babies or pregnancy tests. But soon enough, she'd found herself back here, hoping that the test in her hand would provide a different result while she already knew that it wouldn't.

"Emma?" a voice asked as the bedroom light came on and she looked up to find Killian standing in the doorway. She wasn't sure when he had come in or how long he'd been there, but the second that she met his gaze, he crossed the room and sat down next to her, a combination of fear and sadness in his blue eyes. "Love, what's wrong? What's that?" he asked when his eyes fell on the test in her hand.

"It's a pregnancy test," she whispered softly, watching as his eyes widened and a wave of guilt washed over her. He didn't respond, waiting for her to continue…to explain. Inhaling a shaky breath and casting her eyes away from his as fresh tears began to pool there, she obliged. "For the last couple of months, I've been trying…to get pregnant. But the tests are always negative."

She didn't dare look at him as she dropped the test into her lap and buried her head in her hands. She couldn't bear to add his heartbreak to her own, couldn't bear to see that face filled with pain once again and to know that she was the cause. But suddenly, her hands were being gently pulled away from her face and her head tilted up and to the side so that she had no choice but to look at him.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Small tears sparkled at the edges of his own eyes as he wiped hers away with his thumb.

Why didn't she tell him? She'd been avoiding the answer for months, but she'd known all along.

"I was afraid," she answered, so soft that she barely realized she'd said it aloud. That wall she'd built around her heart that had slowly begun to crumble because of Henry and her parents and Killian must have maintained some small foundation that she hadn't even realized still remained.

"Of what?" he asked, searching her eyes, her heart, her very soul for the answer.

"Everything. Of what would happen if you didn't want a kid. Of the possibility of being a mother again because I was so great at it the first time. Of not even being able to—" she stopped, unable to finish her final statement as she dissolved into tears once more and she found herself wrapped up in his arms. They remained that way for some time, neither of them saying a word, until Killian pulled back to look at her again.

"Emma, I'm going to spend the rest of my life loving you and even then, it won't be enough to show you just how much you mean to me. And if that life involves children, then I will love them with my whole heart, as I love you and your son. But if it's just you, me, and Henry, I'll still be the luckiest man to ever live. Don't ever doubt that you are a brilliant mother and the love of my life and that I will never leave you. And if this is what you want, then we won't give up…no matter what," he said, his blue eyes burning bright, overwhelming her with all the passion and the love that she found there as he pulled her back to his chest again. After a moment, however, he separated from her, a strange look in his eyes as he leaned down to retrieve the test that had fallen out of Emma's lap and into the floor without her noticing. "Emma," he muttered softly.

"I know," she said, taking it from his hands and standing up to toss it into the trash next to the bed.

"No," he replied, taking her wrist gently to stop her from moving. "Emma, look."

She raised the test up so until she could see the result on the display screen, and her heart stopped. All of time seemed to stop around her as she stared at that single word, unable to believe that it was true. That she was…

She turned to look at Killian, who now had his face buried behind his hand, his body trembling with the soft sobs that left his lips. Emma moved his hand away from his face, taking it into hers as she pushed a lock of hair off of his forehead and stared down into a pair of blue eyes swimming with tears but filled with more joy than she had ever seen before. And in that moment, she realized that the man sitting before her, who loved her beyond comprehension, had wanted a child more than anything, but would have been willing to sacrifice it just to spend his life with her.

And maybe having a life of unplanned blessings and unexpected sacrifices was _exactly_ what was meant to be.


End file.
